Assertiveness and DBT
One of the skills training modules in DBT is “Interpersonal Effectiveness”. The focus of this module is to help you build and maintain healthier relationships with others, with a lot of focus on communication skills. These skills are useful for anyone, but are particularly important for people who have experienced trauma or struggle with an attachment disorder, and may not have had the change to develop healthy relationships earlier in their lives.
DBT has identified four key skills in order to help you do this - one of which is known by the acronym DEAR MAN.
DEAR MAN is the skill of being assertive - either in asking for what you want or in saying no. Too often, people conflate being assertive with being aggressive, and feel that they have to give in to the demands of those around them, or feel that they can’t ask to get their needs met. Sometimes, people haven’t learned how to be assertive, and their attempts to get their needs met may be perceived as aggressive by others. DEAR MAN allows you to address both of these issues, with DEAR focussing on what you say and MAN focussing on how you say it. The aim is to ask for you what you want in a respectful and effective way, that maintains a healthy relationships regardless of whether you get what you are asking for.
Describe — the situation in a simple way. Try and stick to clear facts.
Express — say what it makes you think and feel.
Assert — ask for what you want (or say no).
Reinforce — when you do get what you asked for.
Mindful — Stay in that moment and stick to your point. It can be helpful to use the “broken record technique” - repeating your point like a stuck record.
Appear Confident — Try and demonstrate confident body language; be aware of appearing too passive or aggressive.
Negotiate — if it doesn't look like you're going to get the result you want, be flexible. Negotiate to find a happy middle ground for both parties.
For example, if you live in a flat share and your flatmate doesn’t do their share of the washing up, you might say:
You have left your washing up on the side every day this week.
It makes me feel frustrated.
I would like you to do your washing up every day and I will do my washing up every day.
That way we’ll both be happy, and I won’t be so grumpy.
If the flatmate starts talking about the vacuuming - We can discuss that in a minute. For now can we focus on the washing up. I would like it if you could do your washing up every day and I’ll do mine.
Appear confident, with a level voice and good eye-contact
If you need to, negotiate. Maybe you could do all the washing up three days a week, and I’ll do all the washing up on the other days; or I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming.
DEAR MAN can also work in written form if you need to make a written complaint.
Whilst families and friends can find it hard if you start to be assertive and they are not used to it, sharing why you are doing this (by describing and expressing) can really help people understand and makes people more likely to grant your requests.