What is Compassionate Questioning?

Compassionate questionning refers to questions that you can ask yourself to try to access a more compassionate view of yourself or a situation.  Most people are able to be considerably more compassionate towards others than they are to themselves.  It is this ability to be compassionate to others that you can try to access and apply to yourself in order to start to overcome critical self-talk.  Some examples of helpful compassionate questions are given below:

• Do I think like this ALL the time? If not why am I thinking like this now?

• If my best friend / daughter thought like this what would I tell them?

• If my best friend knew I was thinking like this what would they say to me?

• If I told someone I was thinking like this would they say I was being fair or that I was being harsh to myself?

• Would I speak to someone else like I am speaking to myself? If not what would I say to them?

• If I was being kinder to myself what might I say?

• Are there any positives that I am discounting? What positives about myself or my life can I remind myself of?

• Is there any advantage to speaking to myself as I am? What other language could I use?

• Five years from now how will I look back on this situation? How important will it be to me then?

• Am I blaming myself for something over which I have little control?

• Are there any other influences over this situation that I might be discounting?

What can I do next?

You can build further on these compassionate questions if you want to.

You could write a compassionate letter to yourself, using some of the ideas that came out of the compassionate questionning. Write the letter as though it was from someone who knows you well, and cares about you very much - accepting you completely for who you are. In that letter you might want to remind yourself that we are all human and all make mistakes sometimes, and think what a wise, kind, forgiving friend might say or advise you to do. This can be a really helpful letter to re-read whenever the self-critical talk is triggered.

You could also try using compassionate imagery. Think of a compassionate other - it is often helpful for it to be an imaginary person or being, as nobody is perfect. However, if that’s difficult and you would prefer to use a real person, change them into the most compassionate version of themselves. Imagine how that person would look, how they would sound, how you would feel as they are speaking to you. And imagine them saying some of the compassionate responses you created to you. Notice how it feels. Remember that this compassionate image is for you, and is with you whenever you need it.